http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness
Hello
Hello, I am a love shy male. I am normal person, as normal goes. I have a job. I have a college degree. I have a car. I live in an apartment. I have two parents that are both alive. But, I don't have a girlfriend and am not married. In fact, has been a long time since I had a girlfriend. I am not a virgin (thank god), I was able to experience that. But my connection (sexual or otherwise) is short lived and doesn't happen that often. In fact, I am so amazingly shy; in my entire life, I have only asked a girl out three times. Girls have asked me out more times. I went to the prom with a girl through a setup with my parents. Have I been with a "provider"? Yes. I have. What is a provider? Lets just say a provider is a provider of services (Google may also have a better definition).
OK, fair enough. So, what is the point of this blog? Well, I am posting to see if there are others out there, maybe I am even writing to understand myself a little better. Maybe I am posting to share with the so called "normal" people out there. In all honesty, I am kind of amazed at myself. I haven't been married (I am not 30, but close). I haven't really had a serious relationship. Hell, I don't even have many friends. It is not amazing in the sense of solving a difficult mathematical proof but amazing in the sense of; with all of these people (I live the US, there are 300 million people) that I haven't really connected with a person in all of these years. Or maybe I have but I missed the signals. It isn't a crime to be a social loner, is it? Like I mentioned before, I do all the normal things. I go to work, do my job. I try to keep in shape. Hang out at home, watch movies. I read a lot online. But, it seems like society says that I should be something else. By now, shouldn't I already have a wife, a house with a two car garage? I am writing this article on the weekend, shouldn't I be with my long time girlfriend watching a romantic movie or going to some kind of social event? Personally, I am fine where I am at? If I find some connection, that is fine too. My predicament (if you want to call it one) is not as serious as having cancer or being deployed on a long military engagement. I am lucky that I am not being shot by terrorists or I don't have to watch my corn-hole in a federal prison.
So, there you have it. I am the guy that has the super ability of repelling the attraction of women. I am anti-woman. Don't get me wrong. I still like women, but at this rate, I have a better chance of winning several state lotteries at once, becoming head of the UN, I have a better chance of curing cancer than getting into a great relationship with a beautiful woman (at least in the near term).
These are my stories.
Am I ugly?
(picture of beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Beetjoos1.jpg)Maybe I am just weird?
(from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:40-Year-OldVirginMoviePoster.jpg) Have you ever been to a party, and lets imagine there are 4 single girls and 5 single guys. Towards the end of the night, end of the party, it may seem like 4 girls and 4 guys are coming to hookup or at least get in contact in the future. So what about that lone guy? What about him? He is probably going home alone to watch cartoon network or his favorite Star Wars movie. This isn't that bad, but if it happens every weekend, we might have a problem. I feel like that guy sometimes. What happened? Was the guy funny enough? Was he secreting some strange body odor? Did guy brush his teeth? Did he bore to death with talk about his job as a lypo-suction technician? It may be a combination of all of these. I am not qualified enough to say what works in love, but I can say that attraction between men and women is very complicated. It is never cut in dry, especially in this modern world. You could have all of the money and success in the world, but the girl you are attracted to may only date tattoo-covered hipsters.
Some personal stuff
As I mentioned before, I am just a normal (ok not normal), late twenty-something. I go out at least once a week. Generally, I go to a bar; sometimes I go alone, sometimes with friends. Typically, we make fun of people we know and try to get drunk. The alpha-males among us try to hook-up with the attractive women in the bar (that would not include me). Every one in a while, I may go to a night club and dance with some random female. It is great to freak-dance with some random drunk women; but normally after thirty minutes to a hour, some "girl-friend" is begging to leave so you are back to square one, again.
There are two girls that I like, right now. But I am too shy to really ask them out. I could, but I won't. I have a mental disease, don't you understand? Plus, there is a certain window of opportunity that will close after a while. I don't want to go through that scenario where after 5 years I finally build the courage to ask her out and she is married, "You remember me from five years ago, we were freak dancing at our favorite club, you wanna go out? I would have asked you out earlier but I am kind of shy".
In Summary
That is all I have for today. It is the weekend, so I plan to surf the web some more and probably a watch an anime I haven't seen (don't worry I won't be getting laid tonight). But in the future, I hope to talk about my efforts in not picking up women. Efforts at the bar, at the nightclub. Turn-ons, turn-offs. Awkward moments, dangerous moments, lonely moments.
(Addendum) Recent Research and Studies
1. Intercourse and Intelligence "Last December I passed a paper along to Razib showing that high-school age adolescents with higher IQs and extremely low IQs were less likely to have had first intercourse than those with average to below average intelligence. (i.e. for males with IQs under 70, 63.3% were still virgins, for those with IQs between 70-90 only 50.2% were virgin, 58.6% were virgins with IQs between 90-110, and 70.3% with IQs over 110 were virgins)"
2. American Sex Survey "Ninety-seven percent of adult Americans have ever had sexual intercourse; three percent are virgins. Seventy-eight percent have had sex in the last year"
3. Is suicide an option? If you look at various shyness, love-shy, party of one forums. Suicide is thrown around casually. Normally the members don't seem to act on it, but lonelinesses can have an effect on ones well-being. One member in a forum posted this:
"My best friend from high school killed himself when we were 20. You never know what will feel like until you get that phone call at 8 in the morning saying that his little 14-year-old brother found his body in the drainage ditch...So no, I would say that suicide is definitely NOT an option--ever! I used to have those kinds of thoughts before that happened, but that changed my perspective on life irrevocably. You never know how much worse off things could be if you weren't around".
Some personal stuff
As I mentioned before, I am just a normal (ok not normal), late twenty-something. I go out at least once a week. Generally, I go to a bar; sometimes I go alone, sometimes with friends. Typically, we make fun of people we know and try to get drunk. The alpha-males among us try to hook-up with the attractive women in the bar (that would not include me). Every one in a while, I may go to a night club and dance with some random female. It is great to freak-dance with some random drunk women; but normally after thirty minutes to a hour, some "girl-friend" is begging to leave so you are back to square one, again.
There are two girls that I like, right now. But I am too shy to really ask them out. I could, but I won't. I have a mental disease, don't you understand? Plus, there is a certain window of opportunity that will close after a while. I don't want to go through that scenario where after 5 years I finally build the courage to ask her out and she is married, "You remember me from five years ago, we were freak dancing at our favorite club, you wanna go out? I would have asked you out earlier but I am kind of shy".
In Summary
That is all I have for today. It is the weekend, so I plan to surf the web some more and probably a watch an anime I haven't seen (don't worry I won't be getting laid tonight). But in the future, I hope to talk about my efforts in not picking up women. Efforts at the bar, at the nightclub. Turn-ons, turn-offs. Awkward moments, dangerous moments, lonely moments.
(Addendum) Recent Research and Studies
1. Intercourse and Intelligence "Last December I passed a paper along to Razib showing that high-school age adolescents with higher IQs and extremely low IQs were less likely to have had first intercourse than those with average to below average intelligence. (i.e. for males with IQs under 70, 63.3% were still virgins, for those with IQs between 70-90 only 50.2% were virgin, 58.6% were virgins with IQs between 90-110, and 70.3% with IQs over 110 were virgins)"
2. American Sex Survey "Ninety-seven percent of adult Americans have ever had sexual intercourse; three percent are virgins. Seventy-eight percent have had sex in the last year"
3. Is suicide an option? If you look at various shyness, love-shy, party of one forums. Suicide is thrown around casually. Normally the members don't seem to act on it, but lonelinesses can have an effect on ones well-being. One member in a forum posted this:
"My best friend from high school killed himself when we were 20. You never know what will feel like until you get that phone call at 8 in the morning saying that his little 14-year-old brother found his body in the drainage ditch...So no, I would say that suicide is definitely NOT an option--ever! I used to have those kinds of thoughts before that happened, but that changed my perspective on life irrevocably. You never know how much worse off things could be if you weren't around".
15 comments:
I think you're problem is the fear of rejection. Who cares...even if you like the girl a lot. I wouldn't ask her out if I see her day to day..it may make things weird if she says no. Just practice talking more to women at bars/clubs and approach these women without caring of the outcome. If you do get shot down you'll probably never see the girl again. Another problem is that you may be putting the "pussy on a pedestal". Approach it without care. Odds are if you're not ass ugly and you approach 10 girls under the correct circumstances 2-3 will be interested. I know it can be hard at first...but take the plunge and each time it will get easier. You have to not care of the outcome and be confident, don't dwell on the women who aren't interested. Hope it helps!
Do you not seem to connect with people you want to connect with, or is it just that most people are boring?
When I first went to college, I thought a large school meant I would find lots of quirky people like me. What I didn't realize that the "normals" would increase just as much, making the interesting ones even harder to find.
Thanks for the comments, both of you are on (sort of).
On rejection, I wouldn't say it is that simple. First, I have yet to have been rejected, out right. I have talked to women and they weren't interested. I have talked to women and they let me finish talking so I can then shut-up and go away. But, I have never heard, "Hey, please get away from me right now!!". In fact, I have probably rejected more women. For example by not calling them or backing out of engagements. (I am trying to not be mean, but I just wasn't interested)
Here are my thoughts on it. I fear things like, "she could probably do a WHOLE lot better with somebody else, why would she want to spend time with me". I fear that I will invite her over for dinner and my food sucks and my place is really too dirty. I fear that she might be TOO interested in me and I won't know how to engage with her (remember I am pretty shy). It is whole combination of things.
To Caroline, yes I do get "bored" with people sometimes. I don't stay interested in chit-chat conversations. And you find that there can be a disconnect between what people are interested. I have been keeping up with all of the politics and stuff that are going on right now. Some people wouldn't bat an eye to the fact that we are facing some turbulent times. Wouldn't know where Iraq or Iran are on the map. Sure, sex and politics don't mix but some people look at you funny when you mention such things.
Yes, I am over-analytical about this stuff. But it is not a switch I can turn off or on.
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20070320-000001&page=1
Being a loner is not necessarily a choice; this is about the psychology of loners and it made me recall your article.
Of course there are others like you, but don't expect an extraordinary response - its like taking a poll of people who don't answer polls.
I also understand what your saying. I feel very much the same way and have come to the conlcusion in my life that there is so much more to worry about than whether or not you "hook up" or get involved in a serious relationship. The most important things in life are family and friends and one day, if the time is right and the person is right, then you can truly connect on a deep level with someone you want to spend you life with. The trick is to remember that its never about quantity, but only quality. Trying to rush, take advice like "just get out there" can only hurt if you do not feel ready. It is very easy for someone to tell you to just take the plunge, but when your entire mindset is against that motive, it becomes crippling. Do not change yourself, but allow people to see you for who you are and who you can be. I enjoy going to bars and hanging out with my friends. If I meet new people, great. If I don't, I still got to spend good fellowship with my friends. Enjoying your life for what it is, is the best part of living, not trying to be a character from a Maxim article or the ideal guy from a Cosmo article. Love-shyness is a natural part of humanity and I, for one, believe that it is not so much a "disorder" as it is a philosphy. Sort of a stoicism about relationships. Be happy for who you are and never force yourself into trying times.
"I also understand what your saying. I feel very much the same way and have come to the conclusion in my life that there is so much more to worry about than whether or not you "hook up" or get involved in a serious relationship"
Yea, you hit the nail on the head. I, for one am very careful about most of the decisions I make. I try to plan out most things (not everything) with careful precision and if it doesn't work out to specification than I won't go trough with it.
Normal or romantic relationships aren't like that. So, "hook ups" are less likely for me because I will go over a 500 point checklist in my head of all the possible outcomes of a "date", a "friendship". Normally, the women will sense my nervousness and confusion, and politely bow-out.
On "waiting for the right one"; sure, I am perfectly fine living my life. In the psychology article above, the subject used her sculpting as a form of meditation, she had to be locked in a room at least once a week to "do her work". I relate to this and have various hobbies. But, in my life; I have work and ... those hobbies. That is about it. I call family. Friends come and go. If you run the numbers. I have been in my apartment for 5 years since college. There have been 2 women besides me that have slept in my bed and maybe a handful of people that have visited. So that is like 10 nights out of 1825. I wouldn't mind increasing that number.
In any case, I will try to make the blog interesting. My next post will be about this girl that I kind of like, that I see often, but am very awkward around. Very amusing.
I read this earlier, when it was first on Reddit.
I had just read someone who was CURED of your "affliction". I say this without jest.
I am not plugging a book, but you really honestly NEED:
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
I swear before everything good you will be helped.
You are not your mind.
http://30sleeps.com/blog/2007/08/30/spirituality-and-seduction/
I only offer this as both your blog and the blog I pasted came up within minutes of each other. That is sychronisity at work. I wanted to read your post again, and realized you were actively answering commenters.
I was in the same position as both you and the author I posted.
This isn't spam, I'm not selling you the book, and I'm not a quack. Take care of yourself. Get the book.
I swear.
Look, I made a Google account just to post here. I must be serious. We're living in a time where things like this happen. Take this advice, unless you actually enjoy feeding your ego and hurt inside you.
Big long story. Just do it. You are NOT your mind.
I read this earlier, when it was first on Reddit.
I had just read someone who was CURED of your "affliction". I say this without jest.
I am not plugging a book, but you really honestly NEED:
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
I swear before everything good you will be helped.
You are not your mind.
http://30sleeps.com/blog/2007/08/30/spirituality-and-seduction/
I only offer this as both your blog and the blog I pasted came up within minutes of each other. That is sychronisity at work. I wanted to read your post again, and realized you were actively answering commenters.
I was in the same position as both you and the author I posted.
This isn't spam, I'm not selling you the book, and I'm not a quack. Take care of yourself. Get the book.
I swear.
This might be double-posted, sorry guy. But I made the account just to answer you.
The book. do it. Long story. It helps.
Hey what's up.
I read your posting and trust me, there are more guys than you can imagine who are in the same situation.
In my opinion the number one thing that you're not doing right is demonstrating confidence and self worth. I believe that almost any guy has a shot with ANY woman, if he plays his cards right.
Silent Active already recommended a few things, and I encourage you to look into them. I personally read a pretty famous book called The Game by Neil Strauss. It's an easy and fun read, and talks about how a self-proclaimed loser (the author) became the best pick up artist in the world (also self-proclaimed:). While I don't agree with how the author used his new skills for seducing and sleeping with countless women, the book provides guidance towards becoming more social. Basically how to build your confidence which will help you in every aspect of your life, including women, career, and friends.
If anything, just read the book for the fun of it.
You need to learn different ways to think and act with women.
I recommend Daved Deangelo's books and video courses. They could really help you.
Or maybe you could sign up to be on VH1's shitty reality show, "The Pick Up Artist" with mega dork, 'Mystery.' Learn his ancient secrets to seducing women, like Deangelo, and trick women into thinking your something your not. This crap, known as 'the seduction community' is just that; crap. The people that I know that have sucessful relationships and marriages, did not start with using set 'pick up' lines and planned stories. The met, were honest to each other and evolved into a functioning relationship. Using books and tapes from the 'seduction community' is about as effective as watching Tom Cruise's character in "Magnolia" and actually believing that shit his character espouses works.
Avoidant Personality Disorder:
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000940.htm
Hi!
I'm in a similar situation than you, but now I'm over 30 and I'm actually a virgin. I wasn't ever approached by women but was rejected a couple of times. However, it doesn't bother me anymore - I've got a good work and my hobbies use up my spare time, so I'm satisfied with my life.
you’ve gotten an important weblog here! would you like to make some invite posts on my weblog? How to attract women
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